I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
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Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.