Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
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AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.