“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
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She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Lmfao
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.