Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
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Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.