Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
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THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?