Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
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[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
The government even made aliens boring
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?