“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
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My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
where the womens at?
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet