[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
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I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Ugh
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.