Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
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I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Said the murderer.
My neck my back my allergy attack
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
They’re not wrong
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.