But it’s not the “worst way” either…
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Tik Tok is a national treasure.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing