I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
You Might Also Like
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…