My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
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Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…