me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
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Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Bro what is this
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either