monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
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AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Look at this
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”