Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
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Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
The first matador
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.