Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
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penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
*puts cutlery down*
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Never be a pizza!
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Just a friendly reminder!
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!