Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
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How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
wish me luck lads
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes