My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
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My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours