ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
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Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
pls suprot
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy