I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
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Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.