My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
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ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.