I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
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my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Everyone’s family
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes