My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
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Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.