Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
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My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”