Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
You Might Also Like
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
my first day as a raccoon
termite twitter scares me
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I think we should hear other voices.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms