The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
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Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer