Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
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a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”