The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
You Might Also Like
I’m already scared
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore