My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
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Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Every BBC series about the universe.
so this horse walks into a bar
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.