First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
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Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven鈥檛 stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just 拢5.99.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I mean I鈥檓 not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it鈥檚 the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
boss: i鈥檓 always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that鈥檚 a low bar.. but thank you.
馃く馃く馃く
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
There鈥檚 no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”