I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
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[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
From my Mom
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.