Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
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Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)