Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
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Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them