Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
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Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job