ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
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5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.