A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
But that’s none of my business
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.