“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
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I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.