[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
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My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?