I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
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“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
u spoke cat all this time??????
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”