4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
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I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?