Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
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Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.