Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
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The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Squirrels before girls.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.