I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
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A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.