all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
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The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
the #horror is real!
Truth
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?