Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
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Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
#parenting
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
awesome draft from months ago i just found
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists