Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
You Might Also Like
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?