Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
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“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child