I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
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When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
The options really are this bad
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time