*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
You Might Also Like
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
me when i see my girls butt
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man