kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
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[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Aight bet
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not